If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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