We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
