Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
