I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
