I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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