i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
