I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
