First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
