There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
