I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT