how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.