i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
