Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
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He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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