my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
