I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
