Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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