So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
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We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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