Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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