I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
