OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
