I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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