he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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