My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
