He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
