That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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