with your own penis?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
