This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
