Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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