I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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