Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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