I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
