the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
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Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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