Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
