I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
