someone owes me an orgasm
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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