walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Drunk is not a location!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
