im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Randomize
