I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
