I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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