I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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