I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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