During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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