This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
