My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
