Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
