my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm like, not good at living.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
