don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This baby is an asshole
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
