Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
