I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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