I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
