Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I love having hate sex.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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