Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
