Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
