I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
