ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
