dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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