When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
