She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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