I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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