Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
