just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
