I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
